Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
