I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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