I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
this boner is exhausting
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
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