So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Randomize
