We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
