i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
