I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
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