Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Enjoy the penises
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
