sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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