im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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