He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
