Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I have tasted many bathrooms
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
