from now on my penis is your penis
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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