Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
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