my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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