no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
