do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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