Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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