in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
