she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
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