She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
