His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
