so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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