The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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