Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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