Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Randomize
