Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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