I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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