At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
