Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
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