I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
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