Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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