I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
wanna go halves on a baby?
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
