I hate all girls vehemently.
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
