remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
