wrigley field is MILF paradise
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
