dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
my liver is dry heaving
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
