Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
