I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
