There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Randomize
