Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
