I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
