I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
