My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
