ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
