I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
We were destined to go to rehab together
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
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