Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
