On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Randomize
