he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
