grandma shit on top of the toilet
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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