i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
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