Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
