i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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