I don't usually arrange sex via text message
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
