just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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